Offbeat

Transformation Tuesday: The Five Stages of Studying


1. Denial

A week before finals: pssh, got plenty of time. Totally got this.

Weekend before: I just need to… (insert any random ​activity here) then I’ll study.

Day before: I can stay awake for 24 hours. No biggie.

Day of the final: I can ace this. There’s still three hours 24 minutes and 46 seconds left!

During the final: What is this? Did I study this? Am I in the right hall?

After the final: I meant to fail. That was on purpose.


​2. ​Anger

Why are there a thousand slides here?! Who can seriously remember all these?!

​Why didn’t I study sooner?​

When will science invent something that let’s me download information into my brain? WHEN WILL SCIENCE INVENT THAT REMOTE FROM CLICK? HM? HMMM?? EAT SCHLUB, SCIENCE. YOU ARE USELESS.

This is stupid. The system is flawed. Down with the man.


​3. ​Bargaining

​*Yawn* just fifteen minutes and I’ll be good as new… (wakes up the day after).

Alternating between reading a page or slide then watching a TV show, then a page, then a show.

​I technically don’t need a full mark on this exam, maybe a half would do? Or a quarter? Uhmm… well they are offering this class next semester, soo…

​Didn’t take notes all semester, will now sell soul for a reviewer.


4. Depression

What is this futile pursuit of knowledge? I am a failure. This is pointless.

​*Cries in the middle of memorizing bullet points*

Steve Jobs dropped out. Can I drop out? Being a drop out isn’t so bad, is it?

Why do we need finals, anyway? Socrates never gave his students a final.

*cries some more*

This ice cream bucket didn’t give me a graded exam. Thank you ice cream bucket, you’re a gem. Please don’t go into my thighs.

Done? Okay, time to suck it up and finally reach:


​5. Acceptance

​There’s no wishing the finals away and once you’re done stress-eating, it’s time to put your game face on ’cause this is going down, yo. So might as well get with the program, pour yourself a boatload of coffee and JUST DO IT! You’ll be done in no time. Trust us. We graduated.

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