By Johara Almogbel

Ah, traveling. We’re a huge fan of it. We love going to different countries and immersing ourselves in the history and the culture and, of course, the food. And as hijabis and thus cultural representatives of our religion and culture, we love it when people are curious about who we are.

But there are totally ignorant mildly offensive queries that, er, get a little old after being asked it for the millionth time. And while patience is a virtue, we’ve decided it’s time to pen some proper responses. Oooooh, yes. This is going to be fun.

1. Are you bald?

Why, yes, yes I’m bald. Because a girl can’t cover her head unless it resembled a billiard ball and is therefore not fit for public viewing. What? The clothes? Nah. The clothes are just for funsies. You gotta balance out all the fabric on top, after all.

2. But, like, how do you take a shower?

I step in the shower fully clothed and let that artificial rain hit me. That way, we get to do laundry at the same time! Such a timesaver, let me tell you. We then hang ourselves out to dry because walking around sopping wet isn’t all it’s cut out to be. Oh, and we sleep in these, too. They’re glued to our heads. Our bald heads.

3. Is it hot in there?

Hah! Hot. Hot they say. Of course it’s hot! I’m bald in there, and I air-dry, what else do you expect? Things kinda pile up. Plus, there’s a lot of sand in there, with me being associated with Arabs and all. And maybe an oil well and camel as well. It’s like my own mini-desert. It would be a great party trick if I ever got around ungluing the magical fabric from my poor overheated head. And the oil well is great when I run out of cash while shopping.

4. Did your parents force you to wear it?

Well, doh. You think I’m going to superglue fabric onto my head on my own? Someone has to hold your head while they perform the operation. Might as well be someone you like and trust. You don’t just wake up with a fused scarf head hybrid.

5. So, how can you have fun/get on a bicycle/ride roller coasters/breathe?

Look, we get that the scrap of fabric on our heads is so mind-blowing we’re practically a separate species. We understand. But we have fun, too! It isn’t always a picnic, especially if you carry around a geological phenomenon on your noggin (cacti right by the ear itch like nothing else), but between being oppressed and getting married to some dude with six wives, it’s a regular party.

6. Do you sleep with it on?

What do you think? I’m bald! I take a shower in this thing! I’m, like, fused to it, I haven’t seen my hair since I was born or something. Actually, I came out of my mum’s womb with a permanent hair wrap. Scared the nurse half to death. What was your question again? Oh. Yeah, totally. Strangulation by scarfs while asleep happens to be the number one cause of death for Hijabis. Mhmm.

Any questions we might have missed that you’d like us to use our magic Snark-a-lot Answeramaphone on [patent pending]? Let us know! We occasionally forget things, and we’ll be glad to answer them for you. We’re only human after all. Probably.